Your Grief Journey

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Grief comes into all of our lives, but is often not acknowledged or healed because there are greater demands on our time or the process seems too painful. But to do life well, it is important to pause as often and as long as you need to, to care for your sadness.

Grief is the emotional response to loss. Loss is more easily understood to be the result of death or divorce, but there are many other losses as well: the loss of friendship, the loss of childhood, the loss of trust in marriage, loss of jobs, as well as the loss of hope through unfulfilled personal desires. Where there is hurt, there is loss, and this loss must be acknowledged and grieved. God reminds us that He is here to help and will restore your heart. As David writes in the 23rd Psalm, He restores my soul (NKJV) (And David certainly experienced many losses!).

Visual Pictures of Grief

Vehicle: Grieving has sometimes been compared to driving a car. When grief has occurred it is important to look forward through the windshield, to continue as best as you can to do life forward functionally. At the same time, you must pay attention to the rear view mirror, looking backwards to feel those emotions your loss has generated and address the challenges you face as a result of your loss. So often we choose one or the other: living forward as though no loss occurred or backwards, getting stuck in our feelings, neglecting our present, daily responsibilities. To grieve well, it is important to do both simultaneously, living life moving forward as your present responsibilities demand and looking backward to care for your loss. Of course, grief is not a straightforward process; sometimes we are only able to “do” forward and sometimes we are better able to look back. The important point is to not get stuck in one or the other.

Waves: The emotions of grief are often experienced like waves. Waves come to shore as they please, with their own intensity and frequency. Waves also recede out to sea. Like these waves, grief emotions have their own flow in and out and their own intensity. By the way, waves do not take into consideration that you are at work, at the grocery store, in a meeting, or caring for any other daily responsibility. They just come! It is important that you remember: God is aware of and caring for your every emotion. He will come with each wave and be your Comfort, Refuge, and Strength. Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and God of all Comfort (2 Corinthians 1:3, NKJV). Remember to care for each wave of emotion from your "sit place with God.” Be intentional in sitting with God and if you are able, writing in your journal your thoughts and feelings.

Mountains. Here is another way to process your grief when it requires life changes. List your loss. If due to your loss, you are now challenged with loneliness, regret, financial distress, single parenting, anxiety, selling your home, moving, or sleep-deprivation, to name just a few, each one of them can seem like a mountain to climb. Label the mountains you need to climb and work through. It is also true that facing each mountain calls for different emotions from you. It is necessary to climb each mountain separately and care for the particular emotions as you integrate into your new life.

Isaiah encourages your heart with these words: So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand (Isaiah 41:10, NIV). List what your new life will look like when you have climbed to the top of the mountain.

As you integrate into your new life take His help and the help of others to work through the loneliness, create a new financial plan, seek effective ways to manage single parenting, find the help needed to lower your anxiety, or get more quality sleep. Facing each of these mountains will help to rebuild your new life apart from your loss. It is never easy, but with God and others coming alongside, you can journey through your grief and step into your new life.

Grief and Emotions

Anger is an emotion that often shows its face on the grief journey. I encourage you to give it your attention. Feel it without judging or reacting to it. Take note what thoughts or images are connected to it. You can write these down in your journal. Then drop each one of these thoughts or mental pictures into the stream of God’s love. If you find that you are angry with God, share your feelings with Him. He can handle it. There is no judgment or condemnation from God for your feelings of anger.

Self-blame, regret, or guilt are often encountered on the grief journey. What did I do wrong to cause this to happen?  I must not have had enough faith or she would have been healed. There must be something wrong with me. I should have been able to do something. These thoughts must be taken to God in your sit place. Allow Him to speak truth to you, speak comfort to you, and take these thoughts away from you. It is also important to take yourself off the hook; if you need to, forgive yourself, as we discussed in chapter five.

Joy does not overcome your sadness; it only comes to care for you in your sadness. In due season, joy steps in front of sadness, but can never remove all the sadness of your loss. I believe grief is often a lifetime journey, depending on what your loss is. Sadness may always be present, but joy will carry you alongside your sadness throughout your life. Your intimacy with God, sharing with Him all your thoughts and feelings, will always help you in your time of need. These are His truthful words to you: You will grieve, but your grief will turn to joy (John 16:20, NKJV). David reminds you of this truth: Weeping may endure for a night, but joy comes in the morning (Psalms 30:5, NKJV). 

A Word to Those in Relationship with Someone on a Grieving Journey

Offer comfort in the form of a hug if the person is open to it. Speak words such as, "I am very sorry this has happened to you." Just sit with them and listen to them. Do not offer solutions. Do not say, "I understand what you are feeling," if you have not felt this loss yourself. There are many variables to each loss.  Do not ask, "What can I do for you?" They are feeling overwhelmed and may not be able to put their finger on what they need. Be sensitive, attentive, and observant of what their needs are. Call them, invite them for lunch, or ask what errands you could do for them. Be mindful of important dates and holidays or events on their grief journey: birthday, anniversary, date of death, child's birth date, or special occasions. Ask them what dates or memorable events are important to them. Then write them down to remember them on those dates. Check in often. Not just for a few weeks, or several months, but in some cases several years or a lifetime depending on the loss.

Remember: every person will grieve differently; there is no universal timetable or formula. Journaling can be very helpful in processing your grief. In God’s Presence, you can write down—or shout out!--your uncensored thoughts and feelings. Then wait to hear His comforting words to you. Write these words in your journal, too, so that you begin to build a record of God’s grace and comfort to you. You can return to that record when you feel the waves washing over you.

The Importance of Thanksgiving

In the midst of loss and grief, thanking God and praising God seems counter-intuitive, but this action and attitude of the heart is vital for your healing. Paul says, Rejoice always, pray without ceasing, in everything give thanks; for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you (I Thessalonians 5:16-18, NKJV). You are not thanking God for the loss, for what happened to you, but you are thanking Him for Who He is. For all that He has done for you. And for all that He will do for you in your future. Giving thanks when your world is turned upside down is no easy task, but it will strengthen you when everything seems impossible or overwhelming.

Finally, there are many questions we do not know the answer to—why did God allow my husband to develop cancer? Why didn’t he heal him? Why did God allow my daughter to be killed in a car accident? Where was God when my father was molesting me? We live in a fallen world, where terrible things happen. There is no easy answer as to why God seems to allow hurt and suffering. But in the end we must come back to the foundational truth that God loves us with an everlasting love. And that He will work all things to the good for those who love Him (Romans 8:28). Come to Him and let Him show His comfort and compassion to you as you begin your grief journey.

Dr. Roselene Coblentz

Your Gift of Forgiveness

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Forgiveness is one of the most powerful experiences of God’s grace and healing, and opens the door to greater intimacy with Him and others. From your "sit place with Abba God" let us consider your beliefs about forgiveness, why you need to forgive, who you need to forgive, and how.

The Truth about Forgiveness

As always, you must approach forgiveness from the foundation of truth.  What does God’s word tell us about forgiveness? First, you have been forgiven by God. All have sinned, Paul tells us in Romans 3:23, or as John says, If we claim to be without sin, we deceive ourselves and the truth is not in us (1 John1:8, NKJV). Remember, God is holy and just, He cannot look on our sin without judgment. But because of His great love, God provided a way to satisfy His own justice: He sent to earth His Son, who Himself bore our sins in His own body on the tree, that we, having died to sins, might live for righteousness (1 Pet. 2:24, NKJV).

I pray you will give much thought to this precious truth: your forgiveness is only possible because of Christ's shed blood for you. God has cleansed, washed, and sanctified you by the blood of Jesus, opening the way for you to enter into fellowship with God. As you daily embrace His forgiveness by the blood of the Lamb, you will begin to find healing for your heart and also begin the journey to forgiving others.

How does your forgiveness tie in to forgiving those who have wounded you?  

Again, we must turn to Scripture for truth. Paul writes in Colossians, Bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another.  Forgive as the Lord forgave you (Col 3:13, NIV). Or this passage from Ephesians, Be kind and compassionate to one another forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you (Ephesians 4:32, NIV).  God was reconciling the world to himself in Christ, not counting men’s sins against them. And he has committed to us the message of reconciliation (2 Cor. 5:19, NIV).

Why is Forgiveness So Difficult?

The scriptural requirement is plain—why then is forgiveness often so difficult?

The answer is two-fold. First, because you and I believe that the wrong deserves punishment; we cannot just let this person “off the hook.” Forgiving the person seems to be letting him or her off scot-free. He doesn’t deserve to get away with that! She doesn’t deserve to get off so easily!  In other words, we have set ourselves up as their judge. Do not misunderstand me—the wrongs some of us experienced have been very grievous indeed, and we have suffered deeply as a result. But Scripture does not say there is a sliding scale of forgiveness. We are called to forgive everyone who has harmed us. When we hang on to the sense of grievance we feel, it isn’t long before the resentment turns into bitterness. Scripture is also clear about what happens to us when bitterness takes hold in our lives. The writer of Hebrews says, See to it that no one misses the grace of God and that no bitter root grows up to cause trouble and defile many (Hebrews 12:15, NIV). At the root of bitterness is a longing for revenge. Scripture responds to this human impulse as well: Beloved, do not avenge yourselves…for it is written, ‘Vengeance is Mine, I will repay, says the Lord’…Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good (Romans12:19, NKJV).

Be reminded that grace flows more freely in our lives when we humble ourselves. Forgiving requires such a humbling.  You must lay aside your demand for punishment and submit to God’s word to forgive. Releasing that person who has harmed you will bring you release.  And it also will release a flow of God’s grace in your life you have not yet experienced. Failure to do so, to harbor bitterness instead, will impede God’s grace and imprison you. That’s why Scripture says, Those who are kind benefit themselves (Proverbs 11:17a, NIV).

Another reason why forgiveness is often difficult is that forgiveness involves facing the hurt you have experienced. Denying or repressing the hurt is not the same thing as forgiveness, nor is pretending that what happened is “no big deal.”  Usually these hurts have only gone underground where they are still causing pain and anger and even self-pity. These feelings are often expressed in hurtful behaviors towards others. So true forgiveness means facing the often painful reality of what was done to you—or perhaps what you did to another. God gives grace for this part of the process as well.

Forgiveness is a choice. When you choose to forgive, your decision releases the grace of God to flow in that situation. I encourage you, in your "sit place with God," to humble yourself before God, acknowledge those people you need to forgive, and receive His grace, attaching your will to forgive them.

You may also need to forgive yourself.  God does not want you to be “on the hook” either.  In your sit place with Abba God, tell him what you need to be forgiven for, and you will receive His gracious forgiveness.

Forgiving God

I cannot pass on here without saying that the trail of our unforgiveness often leads to God Himself. Though many of us would not admit this, because we do love God, deep in our hearts we often hold Him responsible for what happened to us—for allowing that hurtful or even evil thing to occur, to blight our lives.  Where were you, God?  There is not room enough here, of course, to take on the subject of why God allows suffering, and there are no easy answers.  You may need to “forgive” God.  Tell Him that right now you do not understand why He let that happen to you, but you forgive Him for what seems like a terrible injustice.  Acknowledge that you cannot fully understand His purposes, but what happened hurt you deeply.  Tell Him that you want to lay down your anger towards Him and receive His love.

A Practical Way to Walk Out Forgiveness

In your journal, write down:

•     Whom do I need to forgive?  
•     Do I need to include myself? 
•     What do I need to forgive them or myself for?

Then meet with Jesus at the cross, and with the gift of His grace, choose to forgive anyone who has hurt you and you know you have not forgiven. Ask the Holy Spirit to show you any unforgiveness you may be harboring unconsciously. 

Meet with Jesus and the person who has hurt you at the foot of the cross.  With God's grace, offer forgiveness to that person. Therefore, in the presence of Christ, say: “I forgive you, _________ (filling in the blank).”

The cross is also a grace place where you can go to seek forgiveness for what you have done. “Please forgive me for _________ (filling in the blank).”

It is essential to note here: forgiveness and trust are very separate issues. Where trust has been broken, it has to be restored to continue to do relationship with that individual. Therefore, you can forgive and still not choose to have relationship when trust has not been restored. You can also forgive, though the other may not acknowledge his or her wrong. 

Finally, R. T. Kendall, in his book Total Forgiveness, says forgiveness is not complete until we can bless our “enemies.” So the last and most powerful step of your forgiveness journey is to ask God to bless the one who has wounded you.  Great grace will be yours in return.

Dr. Roselene Coblentz