Your Grief Journey

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Grief comes into all of our lives, but is often not acknowledged or healed because there are greater demands on our time or the process seems too painful. But to do life well, it is important to pause as often and as long as you need to, to care for your sadness.

Grief is the emotional response to loss. Loss is more easily understood to be the result of death or divorce, but there are many other losses as well: the loss of friendship, the loss of childhood, the loss of trust in marriage, loss of jobs, as well as the loss of hope through unfulfilled personal desires. Where there is hurt, there is loss, and this loss must be acknowledged and grieved. God reminds us that He is here to help and will restore your heart. As David writes in the 23rd Psalm, He restores my soul (NKJV) (And David certainly experienced many losses!).

Visual Pictures of Grief

Vehicle: Grieving has sometimes been compared to driving a car. When grief has occurred it is important to look forward through the windshield, to continue as best as you can to do life forward functionally. At the same time, you must pay attention to the rear view mirror, looking backwards to feel those emotions your loss has generated and address the challenges you face as a result of your loss. So often we choose one or the other: living forward as though no loss occurred or backwards, getting stuck in our feelings, neglecting our present, daily responsibilities. To grieve well, it is important to do both simultaneously, living life moving forward as your present responsibilities demand and looking backward to care for your loss. Of course, grief is not a straightforward process; sometimes we are only able to “do” forward and sometimes we are better able to look back. The important point is to not get stuck in one or the other.

Waves: The emotions of grief are often experienced like waves. Waves come to shore as they please, with their own intensity and frequency. Waves also recede out to sea. Like these waves, grief emotions have their own flow in and out and their own intensity. By the way, waves do not take into consideration that you are at work, at the grocery store, in a meeting, or caring for any other daily responsibility. They just come! It is important that you remember: God is aware of and caring for your every emotion. He will come with each wave and be your Comfort, Refuge, and Strength. Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and God of all Comfort (2 Corinthians 1:3, NKJV). Remember to care for each wave of emotion from your "sit place with God.” Be intentional in sitting with God and if you are able, writing in your journal your thoughts and feelings.

Mountains. Here is another way to process your grief when it requires life changes. List your loss. If due to your loss, you are now challenged with loneliness, regret, financial distress, single parenting, anxiety, selling your home, moving, or sleep-deprivation, to name just a few, each one of them can seem like a mountain to climb. Label the mountains you need to climb and work through. It is also true that facing each mountain calls for different emotions from you. It is necessary to climb each mountain separately and care for the particular emotions as you integrate into your new life.

Isaiah encourages your heart with these words: So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand (Isaiah 41:10, NIV). List what your new life will look like when you have climbed to the top of the mountain.

As you integrate into your new life take His help and the help of others to work through the loneliness, create a new financial plan, seek effective ways to manage single parenting, find the help needed to lower your anxiety, or get more quality sleep. Facing each of these mountains will help to rebuild your new life apart from your loss. It is never easy, but with God and others coming alongside, you can journey through your grief and step into your new life.

Grief and Emotions

Anger is an emotion that often shows its face on the grief journey. I encourage you to give it your attention. Feel it without judging or reacting to it. Take note what thoughts or images are connected to it. You can write these down in your journal. Then drop each one of these thoughts or mental pictures into the stream of God’s love. If you find that you are angry with God, share your feelings with Him. He can handle it. There is no judgment or condemnation from God for your feelings of anger.

Self-blame, regret, or guilt are often encountered on the grief journey. What did I do wrong to cause this to happen?  I must not have had enough faith or she would have been healed. There must be something wrong with me. I should have been able to do something. These thoughts must be taken to God in your sit place. Allow Him to speak truth to you, speak comfort to you, and take these thoughts away from you. It is also important to take yourself off the hook; if you need to, forgive yourself, as we discussed in chapter five.

Joy does not overcome your sadness; it only comes to care for you in your sadness. In due season, joy steps in front of sadness, but can never remove all the sadness of your loss. I believe grief is often a lifetime journey, depending on what your loss is. Sadness may always be present, but joy will carry you alongside your sadness throughout your life. Your intimacy with God, sharing with Him all your thoughts and feelings, will always help you in your time of need. These are His truthful words to you: You will grieve, but your grief will turn to joy (John 16:20, NKJV). David reminds you of this truth: Weeping may endure for a night, but joy comes in the morning (Psalms 30:5, NKJV). 

A Word to Those in Relationship with Someone on a Grieving Journey

Offer comfort in the form of a hug if the person is open to it. Speak words such as, "I am very sorry this has happened to you." Just sit with them and listen to them. Do not offer solutions. Do not say, "I understand what you are feeling," if you have not felt this loss yourself. There are many variables to each loss.  Do not ask, "What can I do for you?" They are feeling overwhelmed and may not be able to put their finger on what they need. Be sensitive, attentive, and observant of what their needs are. Call them, invite them for lunch, or ask what errands you could do for them. Be mindful of important dates and holidays or events on their grief journey: birthday, anniversary, date of death, child's birth date, or special occasions. Ask them what dates or memorable events are important to them. Then write them down to remember them on those dates. Check in often. Not just for a few weeks, or several months, but in some cases several years or a lifetime depending on the loss.

Remember: every person will grieve differently; there is no universal timetable or formula. Journaling can be very helpful in processing your grief. In God’s Presence, you can write down—or shout out!--your uncensored thoughts and feelings. Then wait to hear His comforting words to you. Write these words in your journal, too, so that you begin to build a record of God’s grace and comfort to you. You can return to that record when you feel the waves washing over you.

The Importance of Thanksgiving

In the midst of loss and grief, thanking God and praising God seems counter-intuitive, but this action and attitude of the heart is vital for your healing. Paul says, Rejoice always, pray without ceasing, in everything give thanks; for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you (I Thessalonians 5:16-18, NKJV). You are not thanking God for the loss, for what happened to you, but you are thanking Him for Who He is. For all that He has done for you. And for all that He will do for you in your future. Giving thanks when your world is turned upside down is no easy task, but it will strengthen you when everything seems impossible or overwhelming.

Finally, there are many questions we do not know the answer to—why did God allow my husband to develop cancer? Why didn’t he heal him? Why did God allow my daughter to be killed in a car accident? Where was God when my father was molesting me? We live in a fallen world, where terrible things happen. There is no easy answer as to why God seems to allow hurt and suffering. But in the end we must come back to the foundational truth that God loves us with an everlasting love. And that He will work all things to the good for those who love Him (Romans 8:28). Come to Him and let Him show His comfort and compassion to you as you begin your grief journey.

Dr. Roselene Coblentz

Your Grace Place

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Grace is a gift from God to you. It is often defined as God’s unmerited favor. God’s grace demands nothing from you, but to believe and receive how deeply He loves you. Grace, partnering with Truth, is nothing short of revolutionary!

Grace is one of the most misunderstood and misrepresented truths. Grace is not permissiveness about sin—do your own thing, flippantly say I‘m sorry, and then repeat the pattern. Nor do you receive Grace as a result of your own efforts or Christian practices. 

“The law was given through Moses, but grace and truth came through Jesus Christ.” — John 1:17, NKJV

If your efforts are not needed, how then do you receive this gift of love, the undeserved favor of God?  I hope you are asking this question because the answer is vital to your understanding of Grace.

>> Grace Defined

God sacrificially gave His One and Only Son, Jesus, who had no sin, to pay the price for your sin. Jesus took the punishment for our wrongdoing so you and I can come before God without condemnation.

“All have sinned and come short of the glory of God.” — Romans 3:23, NIV

Paul confirms this truth: For God made Christ, who never sinned, to be the offering for our sin, so that we could be made right with God through Christ (2 Corinthians 5:21, NLT). This is the only way you can enter into the presence of God, for God is holy and just and cannot look upon sin without judgment. He sent His own Son to die upon a cross to bear your rightful punishment, so you could come before Him without blame.  

The prophet Isaiah states: There is no other God but me, a just God and a Savior (Isaiah 45:21, NKJV). As Bible teacher Derek Prince once explained:

God’s justice and God’s mercy are like two sides of one coin. On one side is God’s justice and on the other is His mercy. God’s justice is an absolute standard: it is objective, judging everyone impartially; and it is exact, that is, unvarying in its demand for perfect righteousness. God’s perfect justice does not allow for “pretty close” or thinking you are “more righteous” than someone else. God’s justice is unvarying and perfect: you and I do not want God’s justice."

But the other side of the coin is God’s mercy. Because sin entered the world and therefore entered every one of us, God knew we would fall far short of holiness. You and I will never be able to live perfectly, no matter how hard we try. So God Himself provided the solution; in Jesus Christ you have a Savior who has satisfied the perfect standard of God’s justice

“[He] Himself bore our sins in His own body on the tree, that we, having died to sin, might live for righteousness.” — 1 Peter 2: 24, NKJV.

In Him we have mercy. As the scripture says, Mercy and truth have met together; righteousness and peace have kissed (Psalm 85:10, NKJ V). And because Jesus has satisfied his Father’s justice, by taking upon Himself our punishment, we can come boldly unto his throne of grace in time of need. - Hebrews 4:16.

Now that we have defined grace, how do we receive it?

>> Grace Received

Of all the major religions in the world, only Christianity declares that God’s love is unconditional. The Buddhists, Hindus, Jews, and Muslims all offer a way to earn approval. The Bible clearly teaches that God’s grace is unconditional, but it also teaches you that you are responsible for determining how much grace you walk in. In James 4:6, James says, But he gives more grace. Therefore, he says, God resists the proud, but gives grace to the humble. The key to walking in Grace is to learn how to humble yourself.

How do you humble yourself? There are many ways you can humble yourself: when you walk gratefully before God, grace flows from your thanksgiving. When you give sacrificially, whether it be your time, talent, or treasure, grace flows from your giving. The third and most difficult way of humbling yourself is to forgive and bless those who have wounded you, including self.

>> First Dimension of Grace

With these truths in place, I want you to reflect on Grace within its two life-giving dimensions: the Grace that does for you that which you cannot do for yourself, and then the grace God gives you to do that which only you can do in response. These are two separate facets, but linked by the initiative of God's great love to you and your love response to Him. You are fully loved and accepted apart from any of your doings, but you are free to choose to love Him back and obey Him.

“As the Father loved Me, I also have loved you; abide in My love. If you keep My commandments, you will abide in My love, just as I have kept My Father’s commandments and abide in His love.” — John 15:9, 10 NKJV.

If Jesus gave you His life as expressed by John, This is how we know what love is: Jesus Christ laid down His life for us (I John 3:16, NKJV). How could you not love Him back in your obedience? Let your thoughts meditate on this. Just remember it is not love if forced against your will. Therefore, God loves you unconditionally. Yet, He desires that you love Him back. This is also true in your human relationships. You can love others, but you cannot force them to love you back. You can desire their love, but it is important to free them up to love you back in their choosing.

Most of us have been so conditioned to "performance love” that we cannot really embrace the possibility that no matter how I choose to live my life, Grace in the love of God is always present; that He loves me with no strings attached. Because of your conditioning, you become resistant and revert back to trying to earn the love of God or doing something to deserve that love. But that is the good news of the gospel. God does not ask you to change or do anything before He loves you. He does not ask you to change or do anything to keep on loving you. He chooses to love you, His Grace fully capturing you, that then and only then, your response would be to love Him back with the Grace He gives to you.

Even Merriam-Webster's defines grace as effortless beauty, ease of movement, pleasing quality, favor, divine love and protection, virtue, and strength to choose to do all that is required of you. All of these are found in God's Grace. Here are a few examples of embracing the beauty of Grace. May they find their way to your understanding:  Grace requires nothing of you but believing truthfully and receiving fully His Grace. I want to remind you that this is the result of God's sacrificial love of His Son that you can welcome this Grace. And then respond back in love with your obedience.

>> The Beauty of Grace

You receive Grace in its effortless beauty like welcoming the morning fresh air on a brisk walk. There is no work involved. There is only breathing deeply the air of His great, eternal love into your lungs and hearts.

You receive Grace in its ease of movement like welcoming a tender, nurturing embrace of a loving mother. There is no work involved. There is only the receiving of all the favor and good in nurture that comes from His affectionate care for your heart.

You receive Grace in all its divine work as the loving kindness and protectiveness of a father watching over his little brood. There is no work involved. There is only you enjoying the protective care and strong, loving arms of Abba God.

Grace in its greater beauty is receiving Christ the Gift, the treasure from The Lord. There is no work involved. There is only believing the truth and receiving the gift of Grace in Christ Jesus in all of His glory that is revealed in your eternal belonging to Him, and being loved by Him.

Grace in all its strength is giving His Grace-sufficiency for your weakness. In this Grace, there is the work of joining His Grace with your will. There is only the beauty of strength in partnering with Grace to do what pleases Him, loving Him back in your obedience. All of these aspects of Grace are what God does for you, without your effort.

>> Second Dimension of Grace

The second dimension of Grace is receiving His Grace to do what only you can do. You choose to respond in obedience, aligning your will with His Grace. To begin this grace relationship, it is imperative that you center yourself from the position of "He is my all-sufficient Grace:” By the grace of God I am what I am (I Corinthians 15:10, NKJV).  From this center, you build a strong, personal relationship based on the words and works of Christ. There is nothing of yourself, only what He has done for you.

>> Grace Model

God designed that your first understanding of grace would be within the family structure. The love you receive from your parents, apart from your behavior, would be your first experience of grace to yourself. Family love is to be a representation of God's love and grace to you. The love parents are intended to express to their children is not performance based, but love for the child as a person, a human being. Children believe and receive this love and grow up in this nurturing realm of loving parents. Like the unconditional love of God, there is no fear of loss of that love.

Because of human nature, however, parents’ love is conditional. But by the grace of God, parents still choose to love their children as unconditionally as possible. They offer a grace realm that their children can trust and grow in, believing this grace will always be present, no matter their choices or behaviors. God desires that children would feel loved, valued, secure, safe, accepted, forgiven, and experience trustworthiness within the parent-child relationship. This experience was meant to create a sense of belonging, centering them in grace.

This plan of God is challenged when grace moves from a focus on loving the person to behavior-based love. Children naturally desire to perform, please, perfect, and pretend within their childish imagination. It is worth noting here that your human nature does come with tendencies of selfishness and rebellion. But for my purposes here I want to focus on the problem that occurs when parents do not separate love/acceptance for the child apart from his or her behaviors. Children then move from childhood to adulthood with the perception: “my performance equals my acceptance.” And as a society, within our schools, churches, work places, and other organizations, the pattern of performance continues to be deeply entrenched into adulthood.

Thus the belief system becomes ingrained that "pleasing performance" is required even if I have to pretend and is what provides the love and acceptance desired. The final stage in this process occurs when the child transfers what he or she has learned from his parents to God: “God’s acceptance of me is based on my performance.” This belief is easily accepted: to get God to love me, I must keep on perfecting, performing, pleasing, and pretending. This pattern of thinking directs all of your other relationships as well. Therefore, all of your life experiences are filtered through a ME filter. Being loved and accepted is all about Me perfecting, Me pleasing, Me performing, and Me pretending.

It is imperative for the ME filter to be replaced with the HE LOVES ME Grace filter. All of your experiences and challenges need to be filtered through the truth of “He Loves Me." Remember that this love is centered in God's sacrifice of His Son which has secured for you an intimate relationship with Him. Within this grace relationship, He will redeem and restore you; making you strong, secure, steady, and sure. He gives you grace to believe truthfully, to forgive, to invite Him into every hurt, to grieve your losses, and to daily invite God into your life journey with all the struggles and challenges it brings with it.

Dr. Roselene Coblentz